TRANsition

Taiwan and I. Hmmm. Well for starters, I was determined not to have another “Korea” in my life. By that I mean that I didn’t want to develop a hatred for a country I hardly knew and then have to work through the healing process. I’ve got other shit i’d rather learn thanks. Now the fastest way { I } know to avoid hatred is to find a way to enjoy before malcontent can set in. So I thoroughly enjoy nature and food and knew from my previous trip to Taiwan that both of those things are all around you at all times. Boom - book me a ticket. I came here post Philippines, so that’s another variable that I didn’t expect, but I wouldn’t say its a hindrance to my goal. In fact it might have helped get me in the right frame of mind before I came. Oh look ~ unexpected aid. In Taiwan I expected nothing more than to accomplish the following: 1) Make a circuit from Taipei in the North, working down the west coast, stopping in the major cities and back up the east coast back to Taipei for my flight almost 2 weeks later. 2) Eat like i’m not gonna have another chance to 3) Rest and find peace for my soul. So far i’ve done all of that except for make it back to Taipei - but i’ve got lodging booked and a general idea of how i’ll get there (not to mention 5 or so days left to do it~). I’m now in the most “different” place in Taiwan that i’ve experienced. It’s important to note that i’ve spent the past week going down the west coast, going to night-markets, watching people and yah - I’ve been living in China for going on 3.5 years. So when I say “different” I mean, unusual compared to all that. This is Village called DuLan, just a bit north of Taidong (台东 ～aka Taitung) whyyy oh why did i choose a village? because all the hostels in the city itself looked laaame, and i’ve been in enough cities over the past week ~ and you can see the sea from the 3rd floor of this hostel. Not gonna lie - being sandwiched between the sea and the mountains is pretty glorious. Quick recap: up until this moment i’ve been from Taipei in the far north, to Taizhong on the central west, Tainan on the mid-south-west Kaohsiung on the sooouth west, and now over to slightly above taidong on the south east. Geography aside: this is the most grim and hostile place i’ve been in Taiwan. Not that anyone has been mean or anything, its just that “vibe.” I wonder if its something the sea brings with it when its cool/cold? It reminds me of that grim artwork of fishing towns, where people have this calloused expression like they half-expect you to go to sea and not come back. Dark y’all. Gloomy folk aside though ~ i’ve been to the beach 3 or 4 times just to sit there and let my heart pour out. I also climbed the road going up the mountain to an art-cafe (which if you’re ever in DuLan ~ I suggest “The Moonlight Inn (月光小栈)”) There is an awesome view of the sea, the air is super clean and the coffee is reasonable. I was expecting it to be way expensive, but the price matched the quality (reasonable...). It was an accessory to the moment lets say. I get drawn to nature a lot. Migratory birds need to go south for the winter; I need to find a forest, stream, ocean, or mountain with some quiet vistas when the call comes. So its a pretty conflicted place i’d say. Its odd though. Its a little spit of a village ~ i’d be quite surprised if they break 500 people, but there’s foreigners floating around all over the place. I went to a pizza place run by an italian guy who’s girlfriend works in Taipei (like 200 miles away...). He doesn’t like the city so he came down here and runs a little pizzeria out of a tin shed ~ how bout that. Yesterday I went to the old sugar factory (there’s one here too??? its not as cool at the one in KaoHsiung though...). There is a stage and they have live music weekly ~ and there was a bamboo shack off the entrance of the parking lot that has coffee and drinks etc ~ and LEGIT japanese beer sold in blue bottles. There were reindeer and snowy peaks on the front and I do believe that enhances the flavour. How can such classy things be available in an otherwise dump-esque place? What brings people (tourists) here (and they ARE here)? is it just the vistas? There is surfing, but its on like 2 foot tall waves so I can’t say that’s it... To spit it out solid - this has made me seriously wary of my notions of setting down a head-quarters in Alaska. Not expunged those notions, but definitely call into question. The value of geography and scenery can be sullied and distracted from by the local (albeit small) populace. Taiwan, Taiwan. What do I have to say about you. I think it would be easier to live here than in Mainland China. There is a lot here to make one comfortable. There is a lot of interesting, delicious, clean, polite, new. Its small, but there is a lot of good here. If I had come here first, maybe I would prefer Taiwan over Mainland. I am glad that I didn’t come here first. I am glad that I started in the Mainland (not really an active choice, as much as it was an acceptance of fate). I’m also glad that I had my rough experience with Korea. I am glad because, through that dip in the crucible, I have learned much (burned much?). I have learned that judging a country(culture {language}) by what they have or what they do is not wholesome. It may be “fair”, but i’ve seen that “fair” is a judgement that sucks a lot of the possible good out of the world. Taiwan has a lot of good. So does Mainland. And the dog-eat-doggery of their relationship makes thing difficult indeed. I’ve met wonderful people from each of these places ~ and shit heads. And whats more, I don’t care to say that because of any of my experiences, I think one should rule the other. (PS they both have {at one time or another} expressed an entitlement to the other.) Possibly my favourite thing in this island is the night markets (their transportation is pretty legit too~) after maybe 5:30 or 6 these areas open up, and they’re available in all of the major cities I’ve been to in Taiwan. Think of any “county fair” or “carnival” that you’ve ever been to. Booths upon booths of people selling food and random stuff ~ thats a night-market. Massive variety, and abundant deliciousness at such cheapness that anyone can wander about with a nonchalant spend-happy demeanor. So thats what i’ve done for over a week. I worm my way into the flow of people and go from booth to booth looking, and when I find something that I think looks delish - I dig my heels in, and all those suckers can flow around me while I wait for my deliciousness to be made ready for me. Milk-tea in a bag, little egg cakes with shrimp tails sticking out the top, some sort of mascarpone cheese with wild berries in a footed cup, everything possible on a stick, everything possible deep fried in tempura, fried noodles in a deluxe hot-dog bun, the list goes on just as quickly as someone can think of something new and set up a booth for it. Transportation wise ~ the trains go everywhere (admittedly, the island is like 300 miles long and there is a mountain ridge that runs down the middle, so “everywhere” isn’t exactly expansive). The have vending machines for train tickets, so you can pretty much guarantee that you’ll get where you’re wanting to go plus or minus an hour or two (pending loads eh?) Their fast train is lovely ~ but also only necessary if you are in the direst of hurries. Slow train will get you from top of the island down to the bottom in 5-6 hours, and if you’re used to Mainland China ~ that’s par for the course. uh~.~~.~ What is there to say really? I suppose the thing that I think is most worth saying, and ties into my trip to the Philippines, is that Taiwan is generally more developed than Mainland China, but that does not mean that it is “better.” I have said that I Taiwan is a more comfortable place than Mainland China. Neither do I count this as factor that really defines Taiwan as “better” than Mainland China. Taiwan is cleaner, the people are more polite, and there are a lot of international comforts available around every corner. But this glorious wedge of cheese needs to be viewed with the the mouse-trap as well. Politeness for one. The more rules there are to follow, the more judgement follows when the rules are broken. In Mainland, if I ask someone for directions somewhat vaguely, they’ll answer me, or they might not know, and they’ll tell me. In Taiwan, if I don’t know the exact name of where I want to go, or the address for the place, I might get a “oh... I don’t know what you’re talking about dude” and a half-roll of the eyes that echos the same face we’d use in the US when thinking “you should really be better prepared than this.” ??? So yah, there is more politeness, but I wouldn’t say there is more kindness here. Cleanliness ~ the west coast (all the major cities) are noticeably polluted and covered smog~ its not a wide island. What would happen if there was an actual “inland” to this island? No more sea wind to pull of some of that stinky stank? Littering wise, there is no comparison, Taiwan wins hands down on that front. International stuff ~ oh its lovely. I love me some of that, cheese influenced foods, wine, international beer options. Japanese candies, Cold Stone Creamery ~ and Tieguanyin (a unique kind of tea) Ice-cream. OH my. Lots of good foods, and openness to new types of foods it seems too. But in a way, I think so much comfort in a place like this makes you never want to leave. Its easy to weigh all of this good and say that, because of its creativity and its development, taiwan is better. I rebel against that line though. Taiwan is a munchkin land by comparison with Mainland China, and this island has had a lot of international help (at least through economic exchange and military support), whereas the Mainland has fought for everything they have. What will happen over the next 50 years in China? I hope to see whatever portion of that time that God will leave me on this earth for. Mainland is humongous and draws influences from all over its massive territory. The opportunities for new, and different are proportionately massive. Let me wheel around now and talk of the Philippines for a minute and hopefully this will become clearer for you. This is not some mighty tally sheet where I am keeping score between the Mainland and Taiwan. I don’t think that kind of cosmic math will come up with “the right” kind of answer when we are trying to understand the world we are in, or the world we hope to be in. The Philippines is a special place. I believe it’s classed as a third-world country, and that was a term that used to evoke in me the response: Aw~ how sad. They should have “more.“ I wouldn’t likely say something like that because other people would think it hateful and judgmental unless they were having the same thoughts and had voiced them first... But I found a number of sources of “more” and “muchness” that I have not seen ANYwhere but in the Philippines. Somehow we get caught up doing what we do in our countries, but many of us are left horribly incontent. Yet we secretly consider ourselves better off because of what we have, or have easier access to. The most shocking point of realization for me was children. I’ll not lie ~ I don’t typically like kids. I find most of them obnoxious and gross and its always a question I have as to WHY on earth people would want to have them. Some people collect children like bits of shiny rock and show them off to the other adults. “Hey, have you seen my latest off-spring, see how it drewls? fabulous right?” And my normal internal response is that convulsive shiver that runs up my torso like my spine’s been replaced by a slimy-escaping eel. Kids do have their bright moments, but for my part i’d say the frequency of bright to dark moments is usually on the less respectable side of the fraction. Kid by kid basis of course ~ and multi-lingualism instantly makes kids cuter to me somehow. More personally though, I will also admit now that I do not have a feeling of congratulations and excitement for people when they say they are pregnant, or having a child. The feeling just isn’t there for me to give. When I hear that news, internally i think ~ well~ you’re life is gonna get a whole lot harder now. And thats my first thought. I don’t even really nurse an after-thought along the lines of: your life will be more enriched because of this toil later. Nope - to me thats a very insubstantial maybe. It might be enriched because of your toil through pregnancy, raising and hopefully cultivating the child. Perhaps. But the Philippines gave me a very different look on things. I’ve forever looked at children as a burden and sources of natural discomfort like mosquitos or bed-head. Here though, kids’re just a part of the show. Life goes on whether they stub their toe or grow up to drive a tricycle taxi. They just let them “flow.” In China kids are almost all called “treasure” and they are treated like it, and they have massive entitlement issues and give me no hope for the future. In the philippines they’re just set to roam with the other kids in herds like cattle. They run out into traffic, but the tricycle taxis (a motorcycle with a side-car that looks to me like the soviet interpretation of an amish-buggy) are all used to kids not paying attention to a single damn thing, and they swerve around them with a dexterity and tolerance that I massively respect. The kids play with each other. None of the parents is apparently concerned about the other kids being a bad influence on “their” kid, and the parents mostly let them keep their own lord-of-the-flies-esque society. Aside from them roasting one of the unfortunates of their society, pretty much anything goes. I didn’t see too much interfering. Kids are taken along on all sorts of trips, but they are not allowed to dictate how the cookie crumbles when they are in adult society, and they are kept in line when it comes to infringing on the other adult members human experience. The kids of my host’s relatives were constantly being told to keep their voice down and this or that when they were around me, because my host was super perceptive that I can’t handle the full spectrum of “the childhood experience.” I wasn’t rude or imposing, but I can’t help but wince when a rug-rat decides to bellow his opinion to the world a foot and a half from me. Why do they progressively get closer to me? They like me often, even though I don’t think the world of them. My Co-worker was with me, and he was doing his darndest to get them to like him, but I maintained my feline semi-detached state. Thats really my problem ~ they always want what they cant have :D. The kids in the area I was in were given a very loose leash. They were left to occupy themselves with the other kids, and they played with whatever and whoever was around. There were kids wrestling and fighting in the streets, no one stopped them. You know that old-school game in illustrations of like the 1800’s North America where there is a hoop and a stick and the kids try to keep the wheel going as long and as far as they can while they run along-side it. Yah ~ they still play that in the Philippines. And I tell you what ~ there were loads of kids playing at it all along the way ~ and I spent almost ten hours flying (slamming?) around mountain roads in a Jeepney to a different province. And they looked content. What more could you really want? something that you’re willing to be occupied by, food, friends, and love. They have all of that. But how many kids do we have in our own stretch of the earth that are sat at home going: I thought I was gonna have some more fun today. My own niece said that when she was at headquarters (my parents home) a few years ago. I thought it was a dreadful thing to be feeling. An expectation of fun, and then being disappointed about it. Kids need society, but in our larger society, I see less and less kids finding it. Yet we go about worried about whether our kids are getting “exposed” to the “right” kinds of education, society, and culture. We worry about: are we rearing our kids “correctly”. We meddle. We control instead of coax. By controlling on such a wide scale, i’d say the controlee (the kid) comes to expect that the controller will have the answers. And what happens when we have a few extra kids and that kid, that was being controlled or led about on the leash now has a bit “too much” freedom? What roads do they go down when they get all that extra leash or no leash at all and they’re open to doing all the things they were told they couldn’t but have constantly harboured a desire to do? I don’t see the Philippinos pulling out their hair about this?!! and I am immensely impressed by their ability to cultivate, and love, and develop fantastic members of their ever widening communities. And it really is community. Everyone is allowed in. We were dwelling in an area that I would have considered a slum before I came to the Philippines. There were tin roofs everywhere, bars an all sorts of windows, narrow alleys, and ram-shackle of every shade and texture available. We stayed in the tallest building in the area (a three story building that towered over the other one and a half story dwellings nearby.) I was honestly a little worried (surreptitiously) about being judged or scorned by the locals because of it. I hate the word “rich”. I particularly hate it because it is usually the word that people in the US use to express contempt for people who have money. It’s judgement passed on someone who has something, with a feeling of “they don't deserve it” steeped through the entirely too potent one-syllable word. That was the sentiment that I was worried people would pass off on me because I was a foreigner (first) and because I was in the dwelling of a friend who was (at least apparently) better off than the typical member of the community. There was NONE of that. Sometimes you get a feeling or “vibe” when you are in a group of people. Friendliness, ill will, etc. they all carry certain tangibility that is often not expressed directly with open language. This negativity was not in that place with us. And I am humbled and somewhat embarrassed by it because I know the same civility could not be seen in the majority of my first world country. People came up to us left right and center, and there was plenty of opportunity for them to. We went around with our host ~ being that it was Fiesta (A celebration in a certain district within a province for their Patron Saint). They have some of the most gifted and well rehearsed marching bands i’ve ever seen. After high-school, where does that kind of dedication and enjoyment of skill and community exist outside of the full-professional world in the US and Canada? There were marching bands from each “Barangay (bah-rang-GUY~ the subdivision of a municipality ~ each being maybe the size of a city block? someone with more knowledge can correct me.)” Members of the bands ranged in age, stature, gender... whatever. I saw little munchkins with trumpets, and old men with those massive things that are bigger than tubas (the ones that wrap around your torso and look like funnels that willy wonka or Doctor Seuss would use.) And some of the youngest were stealing the show - there was maybe 14 year old on a drum-kit who was taking my breath away. The majorettes ~ a term i just learned in the Philippines, were smoking out the place too. I’ve never seen a society enjoy fire-engine red lipstick quite like these Philippina ladies. And my was it pleasant to behold. Beautiful. They were feminine, but strong, and proud, and it was such a breath of fresh air. It was innervating (videogame word) to see those girls genuinely excited to be getting into their dance routine - especially at what was obviously their favourite hip-popping part. I approve. In the competition there were 3 sections: 20 minutes for the band routine ~ formations and what-not, 10 minutes for the majorettes to do their exposition, and there was like a 3 or so minute solo exposition by one of the majorettes, and they all brought honour to their ancestors, I tell you what. Even when they made mistakes, they just kept going (possibly while grimacing their face a little bit. I would have done mighty deeds if I could have been given a recording of their inner dialogues.) I love China, but I am soooo put off by the frail sickly-cuteness that the majority of Chinese girls try to put on. I want nothing to do with a girl this is going to wail and fall over if I were to poke her in the shoulder with my index finger. Philippinas ~ I would expect to look at the poked shoulder with a sneer of offense and then punch me in the face shortly after. And THATS how it should be dangit! And no-body was tearing them down for their efforts ~ or their mistakes. A few casual jokes here or there, but nothing quite so cutting and judgmental as what I know from my own experience (giving and dealing) in the west. The Philippinos, when regarding someone with respect (someone older, or maybe a police officer...) usually ended their sentences with “po” which has no other function apparent to me than to show respect. For example ~ you say /salaMUT/ in Tagalog for “thank you.” Our host (62years old) asked directions of a police officer (30 som’n) and he (who was by far older) said “salamut po” and he meant it. My hostess ~ when her dad would say something to her, but she didn’t quite hear him clearly, wouldn’t say “whaaaat??” she’d say “Po~”. That sort of genuine recognition is really touching to me. My mom will do the same thing in English in her own way, but I certainly can’t say that it reflects the majority of my country. I, being employed in the service industry for “so long” am used to using respectful/polite language, but I also know the stink of kind-words that are not backed with gold in Fort Knox if you understand me. There is so much more, but this is what I want to share at the moment on this train of thought. Much, much more. To bring this 车（che1 - literally car {ref. to train}） into its 终点站 (zhong1dian3zhan4 {final destination}) what needs saying is that I have been very fortunate to know and meet the people that I have. And here I am now in 花莲 on the east coast of Taiwan, in the shadow of the mountains, in my hostel next to a three meter long indoor koi pond drinking a beer. #hipsterking #content #y’alloughtabejealous #betterifyouwereheretoo I in fact just met a guy from Sichuan province (mainlander) and we chatted for a while. (good ~ I need more Sichuan acquaintances). I told him what I felt about polite societies being difficult to understand. He said that China was like a piece of paper that has been written on already, but the writing has been erased, so its easy to write on now. I thought it was a fantastic metaphor. And thats where I wan’t to leave this installment. I think that our chapter of history is just like my friend said ~ its like a piece of paper that has been written on and erased. Nothing is new under heaven as the wise king once said. And I think the important thing as we move forward in this chapter is to move delicately, and do what we can to engage those around us, rather than control or coddle them. I for one don’t have any clue how to raise a child ~ which is part of why I stay FAAAAAR away from that barrel of monkeys. But even more difficult than raising a child is managing a nation, let alone a community of nations. I’m not saying its my place to do this, and i’d be woefully ill equipped for it if it was my place. What I am saying though is that we, as members in mutually influential societies (increasingly more so) need to learn how to live together much more effectively than we do, rather than looking for quite so many opportunities to help or control each other. “Helping” is another part of that cosmic math I was talking about earlier. Through “helping” we are also setting ourselves up with the mind-set that we have done good, and deserve good back. Instead, I think we need to learn to live with a respect for how much our foot-steps muddy the waters. And that goes for us all.

The good we have to give

In this first part, I need to apologize. If only for my self and because I feel remorse over it, I am here to say in the most childish, and non-snarky way I can: i’m sorry. No really~ Over the most recent span of time and my passage on this human journey, i’ve been reminded that my journey is not just my own, and that no one really walks this road alone. Everyone influences and is influenced by a great number of other people along the way, and that influence also has serious impact. And that impact deserves to be respected. I say I was reminded. It really is a passive sort of thing because I didn’t pull this thought out of the ground or a river, but it came to me. It was given. Washed up on the shores of my 脑海 （nao3 brain - hai3 ocean {aka ~ stream of consciousness}）as I sat stewing in my own juices. And for that reminder I am also grateful and consider myself blessed for receiving. But enough of this Grammy awards-type thankfulness that just keeps going on. The thing that I am remorseful for came to me after sitting on a plane going to the Philippines. Marvelous (though hot...) country. It has changed me in so many ways, including the way I will now respect the term “third-world country” and not consider it a slur against any nation. I was in my ticketed seat when we hit some turbulence, which at the time seemed serious. It wasn’t really, but it seemed it. I’ve flown hundreds, possibly even thousands of times. Why did it bother me this time. I’m not afraid of my own mortality. It comes to everyone, and i’m not particularly concerned with eternity at this point in my journey. But before death there was something else that worried me. Not pain, i’m not a child. Not a need for life, I’ll take death when it is indeed my turn. No - i had a Casper-like sort of unfinished business. I love Casper (the friendly ghost). Its one of the movies that has moved me most since my child-hood and continues to move and teach me to this day. Hits me on so many levels. However - the level in question right now is why Casper was a ghost. Ghosts stick around because they have “unfinished business.” Thats why they don’t cross over. And when Casper is there in the attic with Kat (Christina Ricci) remembering on his sled he says, “I didn’t go where I was supposed to. I just, stayed behind.” And there is something more that I can’t really quote verbatim at this hot second. Generally he was talking about how he couldn’t leave his dad alone though. And I don’t have a word for that feeling, maybe someone can provide one for me, but the closest thing I can say to explain what I felt in that jolted seat going over the ocean towards a place i had no knowledge of was a potential-pre-regret. The punishment that fueled my fear in that moment was the possibility of regretting/having unfinished business because I felt like I hadn’t loved “my people” enough. I felt like I had and have more to give, and I don’t mean that in a (think of what I could do if only I had the time) kind of way. What I mean is that I have been holding back, and I have seen it. I didn’t quite know how, but that does not make me innocent, because I knew the source within myself that “held back.” On a certain level it was a choice that I made to hold back. I dont want to talk now about the conflict that led to me to “withdrawal”, but regardless, the thing to know is that it lead me to a place where I believed it was better to hold-back to avoid vulnerability. Avoiding vulnerability is also a sort of strength, so 难怪 (nan2 difficult guai4 blame {})that was the choice I made at the time. But if we (I) are (am) always looking for the point of strength, and choosing it over the place where we can be most full, we are effectively taking the colour out of the world. Utopia is at least worth thinking about damnit! And if we never strive for it, how can we ever achieve it? Shucks, it may be impossible, but it could be MADE possible if the rules were changed, and why shouldn’t we contribute in whatever way we have in us to contribute. Otherwise we dishonor ourselves and make ourselves out to be much less than we could possibly be. We shrink ourselves down to a compact, yet defensible ball, and wait for the tide of reality to eventually wear us down into nothing. And I will not be that ball. I will be much, much more, and if it cost me everything but the meaning that I ca bring along with me, I will take that price and know that I have been as full as my container allowed. And in that I will find my contentment. Anything else will be vile to me and I will cut and burn it off as I have to, because I find it rude, malicious and utterly against me in everything I could hope to be. --------- interlude --------- It took me a while, but I came to the conclusion (temporary?) that the thing I wasn’t giving or the good I wasn’t doing was sharing my journey with “mine.” There were a few prominent figures that came to my mind on that flight, but I don’t feel it prudent to mention them here. (When I say “mine”, I mean “my people”) I need to do what I was made to do, whatever that means, but the absentee-cruelty that I do to Mine, is when I leave them out of what I am doing. So many sights, tastes, smells, people, adventures, lessons, and sources of meaning that I have come into contact with, and I have the capacity to express it. But it has taken me this long to realize that I needed to. Like sunlight and vitamins I, within myself, have needed to show my experience to Mine if only to honour the place that they have in my life and the value that I lay upon them. I haven’t posted a blog in ages~ any of you who care will have noticed that. If you don’t then whatever, I don’t crave attention (THAT much...) I have written some, but have found them far too personal to be able to put “up there” for everyone to see. And i’ve found loads of sound reasons not to. But The fact that I have found those reasons unbreakably sound is part of the problem i’ve described above. For a time, I was being that defensive, conservative ball that was unwilling to share. But it is time to move on. And I hope/ intend to express my journey to you now using whatever ability I have.

Occupational Hazard

So i'm rather snarky on Facebook, I know, and some people have asked me whats going on at work to make me so snarky. I thought i'd relay one of the more recent anecdotes so that people can get a taste. As of 15 minutes ago we emailed the complaint letter which we all signed, to our boss, the principal and the chairman of the school. That letter (which I wrote...and my Chinese translation of it will also be made available below ^_^) The letter was signed by all 5 members of the staff ~ I don't want to put their signatures up on a random blog though... The sixth slot was signed "absent" ~ another nudge at... "hey... remember that bit where we're supposed to have a sixth teacher?" And the reason this blog is titled "Occupational Hazard" is that I realized just how dangerous I am to hire. I'm a decent teacher, but my more honed skills are language and social-organization skills. And this is what happens when those skills are put to use. Oh dear me... will I ever get another job?? (quite probably.) ----- The outgoing president of the PTA (parent teacher association) took the foreign office (and our associated Taiwanese/Chinese staff) out to an opulent dinner. It was one of those bribe-o-meals and he was "saying thanks" to us for doing a job and hoping that we would do an even better job. the PTA has one of those automatic espresso machines, and myself and the other teacher that works in the high-school side were going pretty regularly to chat and get coffee(2 teachers for about 900 students over the week) and he was giddy enough that he said he would be buying our office a coffee machine because we liked it so much. Nice gesture. As with any of these dinners as im sure you know, theres always nice meaningful(less) speeches of thanks and this and that. He didn't speak English really, so our boss was charged with translating... which we all thought was amusing because she did a painfully skimpy job with the meaning, and even the other staff noticed. We spent quite a while talking about it too... and I helped fill in gaps that she tried to duct-tape over with words like  "happy" and phrases like "thank you for your hard work" We'll he followed through not too long after with his 4,400RMB coffee machine Important detail, the teachers office is separate from the administrators/ chinese/taiwanese staff office (this is all under the one department in our school). So we were a bit naughty, and took the machine and installed it in our office. She wasn't there at the time. She comes back. She says that the whole dinner schebang was the PTA president giving her respect and asking her for a favor, and this coffee machine was a gift to her. "This machine is the property of the IEC (our department)" so it needs to be taken care of, and it should be in her office "so that everybody can use it."  I conveniently brought up that the other highschool teacher and I are required to start teaching on friday at 7:45am, before ANY other offices in the school open (to one of the lowest two level classes in the 11th grade... they don't even answer yes-no questions at that hour). She caved. Ok you can keep it in here. (point for me) Next day one of the other intermediary staff who helps us out and does this and that comes in with egg tarts for coffee time before classes start. A few minutes later, she comes in and says she wants to speak to me and my co-teacher when he comes in. Those of us in the office start speculating because gossip is fun, and we brush onto - is this about the machine schenanigans? no it cant be... why would she want to talk to us both at the same time if that was the case... and none of the other teachers.... dunno. we'll find out. Co-teacher shows up. We go in and... The PTA meal was there to give respect to me, and because of it, the president of the PTA is stressing me out and always asking for more more more. blah blah blah. This machine was given to me because he wants me to do more for the English program blah blah blah. And by taking this machine without asking me, you are disrespecting me. You're like two spoiled boys. You see something nice, and you just want to take it for yourself. And all this at 8:20... we have class at 8:40. The class I personally had was going to (and WAS) observed by she herself for professional development. Genius foresight.  We went and taught our full load (4 classes) doing our best to not think about how fast our hearts were beating that morning.  My co-teacher talked to her "as a friend" as he puts it. She later apologized for the timing and that was big of her. But she definitely planted a seed of contempt, particularly as that was something she couldn't restrain herself on after I am doing 5-7 more hours a week above my contract because she pissed one of the other teachers off before we even started the semester. And thats why we have a formal letter of complaint that we've written and we've all signed. oh and the only guaranteed OT pay i get is like 57RMB/Hour... which i told them was laughable and if anyone asked me to tutor their child for that much... I would actually laugh in their face and walk away. I'm supposedly guaranteed my bonuses and additional ones... we'll see on tuesday if they follow through. If they dont' there'll be a reckoning. -Peter P.S. I really shouldn't be hired by these people... i'm more trouble than i'm worth. It turns out that social and language skills are an occupational hazard. ----- Dear Maria Lu, 吕慧芬主任 The following is written on behalf of all of the foreign teachers. We who have signed below agree to the following and believe that it is important to very clearly state a number of concerns that we have and have been dealing with since the beginning of term. From the beginning of the semester, we have been very understanding of the difficulties that yourself and the IEC have faced. It is a difficult issue to find a replacement teacher in the outside of the normal pre-semester hiring seasons of summer and winter. It is not however impossible. We the remaining foreign teachers have all accommodated the extra classes and additional students into our schedules. This has however created a number of issues. Extra classes of course means completely separate planning periods are necessary. Double students in turn means double marking, particularly for each of the Bilingual teachers. This additional burden wears heavily on us teachers, and limits our ability to provide well planned and creative lessons. The students also receive a negative impact from the situation. Doubled class sizes in a class with the aim of encouraging conversation means that each student is getting less than half of the one on one attention they would be getting otherwise. They are also required to be in classes that may be less stimulating because teachers’ preparation and grading time is diminished and their attitudes are deteriorating. We as the teaching staff took on this additional work before the first week of classes as a short term solution. We expected that another teacher would be found to fill the necessary gap in our staffing. That gap has not been filled. We have instead been required to carry on wearily without even the hope that our contracted work hours would be given to us. The question we have all asked ourselves is how the solution would be solved if one of us were to become seriously ill, or if someone were to resign. How would the staffing problem be solved then? We expected the problem to be addressed with the same seriousness as either of those situations. It has not been. We do not feel that this situation is being treated with the appropriate seriousness, and the lack of sufficient action has lead to a stressful working environment and is hindering our ability to do our jobs to the best of our ability. Name: Name: Name: Name: Name: Name: （繁體版） 這封信是代表全體外教的心聲和思想。下面簽名的諸位同意這封信的內容而且認為向我們的管理層負責解釋以下情況是很重要的。這些事情是從開學的時候直到現在有的。 開學時我們很理解立刻招聘一位外教對我們的部門帶來的麻煩和壓力是不小的，特別在學期中。不過， 招聘一位外教並不是不可能的。 我們剩下的這些外教都接受了那些額外的課和學生。這一切對我們的課程， 備課，安排等都有影響。多加上的幾節課代表老師也需要多幾小時安排。多加的學生也代表老師需要修改更多的功課。這種影響對資源班老師更大。這增加的負擔對老師很有影響而且也造成對我們備課，上課等質量的降低。 學生也是因這種情況受到不好的影響。兩倍大的口語課就意味每一位學生隻能接受一半的注意和培訓支持。同學也需要接受越來越簡單，沒趣的課因為老師的備課時間已經被用完。因此老師及全班都感覺難過。 最初我們接受加課是為了暫時滿足課程的需要。我們都在期待必要的那一位新老師的到來。可是這一位一直沒有出現。我們還是在渴望的期待，即使我們的工作量超過了， 而且還是沒有將來接受幫助的盼望。 我們都在想，如果任何一位外教生嚴重的病，或者有人辭職，怎麼辦？主任會怎麼樣解決問題？我們都認為主任會去想這個問題，並設法趕快找到一位老師。但是，在我們看來主任並沒有這麼處理問題。 我們都認為這件事情沒有得到令人滿意或認真或嚴肅的看待。這一切給我們很多壓力而且妨礙我們做最專業的老師。 简体（原版） 这封信是代表全体外教的心声和思想。下面签名的诸位同意这封信的内容而且认为向我们的管理层负责解释以下情况是很重要的。这些事情是从开学的时候直到现在有的。 开学时我们很理解立刻招聘一位外教对我们的部门带来的麻烦和压力是不小的，特别在学期中。不过， 招聘一位外教并不是不可能的。 我们剩下的这些外教都接受了那些额外的课和学生。这一切对我们的课程， 备课，安排等都有影响。多加上的几节课代表老师也需要多几小时安排。多加的学生也代表老师需要修改更多的功课。这种影响对资源班老师更大。这增加的负担对老师很有影响而且也造成对我们备课，上课等质量的降低。 学生也是因这种情况受到不好的影响。两倍大的口语课就意味每一位学生只能接受一半的注意和培训支持。同学也需要接受越来越简单，没趣的课因为老师的备课时间已经被用完。因此老师及全班都感觉难过。 最初我们接受加课是为了暂时满足课程的需要。我们都在期待必要的那一位新老师的到来。可是这一位一直没有出现。我们还是在渴望的期待，即使我们的工作量超过了， 而且还是没有将来接受帮助的盼望。 我们都在想，如果任何一位外教生严重的病，或者有人辞职，怎么办？主任会怎么样解决问题？我们都认为主任会去想这个问题，并设法赶快找到一位老师。但是，在我们看来主任并没有这么处理问题。 我们都认为这件事情没有得到令人满意或认真或严肃的看待。这一切给我们很多压力而且妨碍我们做最专业的老师。

Of Thorns and Fences

This blog needs a bit of a prologue, because it may not make complete sense with out a bit of context. The following is excerpts and adaptations of a letter I sent to my sister, but it explains a lot of why I haven’t been blogging for a rather long time, or at least leads to the areas of my life that have led to the non-bloggage. The original letter was a fair bit more transparent, but I don’t really want to share those details with community of readers, because it was a personal affair, and therefore ain’t none-yo dam buziness. There will be times (despite my efforts) that you’ll see the second person used in a very direct way. Its a letter, and there were times where changing the direction for a general audience would kill the meaning, so I left them. Otherwise, be aware that there are some gaps in this blog, but I hope that you can benefit from the roads that i’ve gone down in life. Here’s to growing, and becoming the person you want to be~ - - - - - - - - --- - - - - - - - - I’ve recently been reading the 5th Harry Potter (Order of the Phoenix) in Mandarin (like 20% through woop woop!). Towards the end of the 4th book I started thinking Harry was kind of a whiney bitch and I wasn’t really appreciating his attitude. However, as I get into book five I realize that maybe the reason I think he’s a whiney bitch is because I have the same line of reasoning that he does in a lot of situations, like an embarrassing amount of his inner dialogue in book 5 is stuff i’ve felt/thought before and or am thinking now. Maybe thats everybody, and that might explain why J.K. Rowling is the wealthiest author, I believe in the history of the world...She’s a saint in my eyes at least. I keep on walking down this path of life and I find that I’m not following the lessons i’ve learned from the past. There are nuggets of wisdom that i’ve been blessed to discover, or have had shown to me, and some of those things are as follows: feeling is better than not ~ even if it sucks communication is better than ignorance ~ always I was taking a shower a minute ago and had one of those stereotypical shower-epiphanies. I’ve been envying Harry Potter because of his legitimate shitty mood and I was wishing that I had good reasons to have a shitty mood. HAH! wrap your mind around that one for me if you will. Then it became conscious to me that I was envying him. Then I took one step further and asked myself why i’ve not been “living” enough to have mountains and valleys of feeling. And thats when I put my foot in the pile of a shitty situation that it is and accepted within myself that i’ve been putting up fences left and right to keep myself safe. I’m an old man. I’m now at a stage of life where I subconsciously believe that routine, fences and boundaries of many types make your life better. They help avoid destruction, and slow growth is better than destruction right? (The little ghost that hides in my ribs is making a ruckus telling me I’m full of shit.) On his soap-box a man who thought he was “setting me straight” told me that the difference between children and adults is impulse and habits. Children act on their impulses and just do whatever, and when you start making habits and get into a routine is when you become an adult. Its one definition, one that I totally reviled at the time of course, but he definitely has a sort of point. What I’m trying to get at with all this babble is that i’m an old man, but not the type of old man that I always wanted to be as that kid running around in a speedo. I’ve put up fences and decided that communicating with you is not the best thing for me to do. But here I am on the cusp of a cliff realizing that I’m killing off part of who I am by not communicating to some of the people closest to me because of burns that i’ve taken in some of the exchanges that i’ve been a part of. Its all my choice, whether I do or dont reach out for that communication. I’m not innocent. I’ve done my share of throwing fire too, but one learns either way to give wide breadth to a hot stove when they see one. My logic has been that 80-90% of the time I don’t have anything nice to say, so I just shouldn’t. Adding to that with my two cents is doing these people no service, and in fact is much more of a disservice in many cases. ~~~ I also feel it prudent at this second to say that i’ve only had 1 beer tonight, and even that was 4 hours ago so this isn’t booze talking. ~~~ Honestly ~ when I need to get something done, I have to channel you with my Ouija Board and black candles. For instance, when I had to defraud my last company in order to get money that I was contractually owed (therefore its not actually fraud... btw...). I had to book a flight, send the receipt to the HR department, call Delta, get to the right people, explain in my most composed customer service persona that I no longer needed the ticket, and thus get my money refunded in full. I myself and only me couldn’t or perhaps at least wouldn’t have done that. But you left a mark. How dare you :p I really am a vindictive creature sometimes. My 2nd year in China helped me realize that a lot. That was when I was escaping my vicious boss, maybe you remember. The reason I realized how vindictive I could be is because I was able to anticipate all of the nasty things she would want to do after I left her company, and prepare for them or avoid them all-together. If I could anticipate those things and have incite into the way those thoughts work though, that shows you how much my brain can work that way though. Daniel (Lion’s den, that one....) had a phrase in one of this prayers that I really appreciated. When God revealed Nebuchadnezzar’s dream, and its meaning he said... (among other things) “... he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. 2:22” I hope to be a person that “light dwells with,” but as of yet, there is still a lot of my heart that lies in darkness, and I can be a very bitter creature. Thats another of those fences that God is going to have to help me over, because otherwise part of me very much so wants to hold onto my bitterness. I find it validating. To grieve when you’re offended, to hate when you’ve been wronged, its what you’re entitled to right? those are the rules. The rules say I get to feel this way. Small consolation though, and in the end it doesn’t really bring you anything that you get to keep. You just get to stay at the same level, or go back, no moving forward. Its really the same problem that I had with Korea. I had my preconceived notions about what was going to happen. Those things didn’t happen, and instead, I got bitten like 50 times in the ass because of the way I was going about things. So instead of continuing to learn I subconsciously put up a granite wall, because why the @#(% would I want to persevere through that to better understand people I DONT like? Fuck that AND them. And that attitude RUINED a lot. It distracted me from the fact that I had a gazillion friends while I was in Korea, and had a large number of really unique experiences while I was there. But I burn’t my fingers on the stove, so fuck cooking! I went back to Korea last year for a friends wedding (after a year of being away from Korea) and I saw the country with a rather different set of eyes. I’d be lying if I said they were completely different, but its true that it was RATHER different. I met some amazing people, because of the friends that I was blessed with the first time around. And even tonight, as I sit here pulling this thorn out of my heart, I have to admit that I’m tangibly excited when I hear Korean, or see Korean people/ Korean things. Its like theres this awkward dichotomy between wanting to dislike them and at the same time having a sort of natural resonance with what they are. I think my personality and natural state is a little too close to Korean culture, but I wasn’t willing to adapt to some key issues in their way of viewing the world, and they (as a society) sure as hell weren’t willing to adapt to mine (hah~ what a farfetched notion eh? an entire society changing to fit my world-view...) All that is to say, Prejudice, Fences and lashing back at offenses that I TAKE are becoming more of a theme in my life, and its ruining whole swatches of my human experience. I can’t say that I’ll let down my guard, but I can say that I will keep looking for ways to get over and I don’t know how to finish that sentence. That was a really difficult and uncomfortable moment. I actually recoiled and my shoulders tightened as I tried to find the words to finish it. All this is like textbook explanation of the parable of the sower by the way. I never really understood it, but the more I wrestle with my decrepit values, the more I understand just how much I’m missing, and just how much I need what God is giving. So parable of the sower ~ scattering seed, some falls on the road to be eaten by birds, some falls on the rocky zone, grows up quickly and withers quickly b/c it has no root, some falls among the thorns ~ which also grow up, and choke the plants, and then there is the seed that grows in the good soil where it produces a massive crop. I am those thorns. Left to myself, without “the love I need to see me through” that Florence + the Machine sing about, i’d choke the life out of every last worthwhile thing. These thorns want to grow up too. As I go to write down in my little book the connection between the parable I was just writing about, I notice that not too long ago, there was another quote that caught my attention, and i’ll write it down here for you so that you can see some of the continuity that i’ve got going on in my life (at least on paper.). “Break up your unplowed ground, and do not sow among thorns... circumcise your hearts... or my wrath will break out and burn like fire because of the evil you have done - burn with no one to quench it.” (Jeremiah 4:3) So here is me, trying to pull up some of the thorns that I tend.

Gothic Hipster

Should Americans Learn Foreign Languages? In my classes we’ve been doing a lot of debates, and i’ve become overly fond of being the devil’s advocate just so that there’s at long last some meaning in the debates. Whorishly pathetic reasoning sometimes. I suppose I and mine were like that when we first went through debate classes though... and we had a full semester to do it (and that was just high school). I won’t say that this is the same scenario. You can guess if you want ^_^ .(still... your guess may or may not be true. I’ll give no statistics at this time.) Should Americans learn foreign languages? I’ve got this splinter of a question working its way into my bones right now. Its kind of excruciating and I was hiding under three layers of covers last night as a juvenile comfort from the question I was asking and had already half-way answered. Actually... I think i’d 75% answered it and was mostly refusing to fully acknowledge my answer. It burns... like The Clap... in some not nice places (not quite the same place mind you). But enough of skirting, because I enjoy it plenty, but its bound to be frustrating as hell for anyone who’d actually go through the effort to read through this. There are those of us who are white as bread, and equally as devoid of origin. We are nothing like wheat, even though we’d like to be. Bleached and “refined” and then moulded into a shape that is pleasing to somebody with a nice fluffy texture. But we are not as wheat was. We dont have the same taste or value even. We do not nourish, no matter how hard we try, and healthy additives are just a joke. Why wouldn’t you just go with whole wheat to begin with? What is this crack-pot metaphor about actually ~ lets parable it down a notch. As Americans, we can ethnically be divided into about 3 groups (4 if you want to dig a bit more). 1) Advanced age Recent arrivals with a different mother tongue than English, 2) 2nd Generations or those who came young with a different mother tongue but through sweat and toil get to a stage where they are bi-lingual(+) in a way that would shake the foundations of the cosmos and, 3) white breads who have either some or no interest in language learning: the best of which get pretty good, but members of the 1st language (that is to say the members of the community of the foreign language that they studied) may still carry a divisive disdain for their language level and or efforts. (the fourth group would be the theoretical possibility of those who are distinctly from a different mother tongue, but become good enough to sneak into position #2 where the 1st language community doesn’t recognize much of a language difference. Dunno about these folks.) White bread though (“other” mother-tongue speakers... or the average American) may celebrate or despise their “refinement” and there is of course the whole spectrum in between. My predicament, and leukemia grade bone poisoning quandary is whether or not white-bread has any place even joining the bakery for competition in hope for sale. Does white bread want to go home and be consumed by the obese consumer with no palate? White bread wants to be enjoyed and appreciated for its own fullness too? I think white bread is afraid of being seen as having no fullness. {Maybe} it even goes so far as to say that white bread is afraid of having no fullness ~ and of the possibility of waking up to a reality where hope is the same thing as delusion. ---------- I went on top of my mountain today. I like to call it my mountain because there’s rocks on top. I don’t think it actually has to do very much with its actual height. I might very much enjoy going back to the North American West-Coast region and have my definition adjusted. I love it on that height because truth seems more truthful. The wind tears out of nowhere b/c its the highest thing close by and I could see the sun set before me and the moon was rising in near-fullness behind me... The White Face as Gollum would call it. Theres a bit (which i’ve actually yet to come-across in this re-read of the “trilogy”) where Gollum says: “They do not see what lies ahead when sun has failed and moon is dead.” and that is how I feel. It is no comfort to me. Neither is it the seal on my scroll of despair, b/c there is a suspicion that b/c I do not know.. there is in fact something to know. One of the moments of clarity I experienced while I was in my barren place was that i’ve become much more treacherously patient than I was a few years ago, but i’ve also become much more desperately polar than I was. (i’ve taken a liking to the words barren and desolate since before I went to Korea when I was flying over the north-pole in winter. Put that on your bucket list, its one of the most impacting things i’ve ever seen.) I say treacherously patient because I used to be so exasperated by a lack of calling, but I have been developing into this “place” where I have become more willing to wait until my potential matures into reality. The rough thing is that this “maturation” is coming as I am becoming more paranoid about my limitations and how much closer the ground my potential seems. This is not a comparison with my contemporaries. I am not quite so much concerned with what people around me have or are capable of doing. I’m disturbed by what could be done. If there are those who can and do have mastery over languages and cultures and are offering them to pharaoh, then what is it to keep me, the amateur, from making bricks?? And then there is Harriet Tubman--- Moses... Who not only defied pharaoh and the bricks he demanded, the structure he wanted to build and the laws that he would lay, and became one of the most heroic people of all time. She defied her position as a slave and managed to not only lead a gazillion slaves to freedom, but put a slack-ass would-be husband in her past, wrote her place in history and stamped her intricate sigil on the hearts of many... though far fewer acknowledge her than she actually deserved. Idiots... and petty interests... are what have put that woman in a lesser place than she deserves. Most (some) Americans know that Ms. Tubman led a large number of her people to freedom, but what many do not know is that she was so effective in scouting and espionage that she was put in charge of hundreds plus (ranging into the thousands range I believe... lacking sources at the moment) to do raids during the civil war... AND she died at the ripe old age of 93 from pneumonia. Few have her verve - even less who were dealt a shittier hand of cards. --------- One of the things that has been coming with me on this descent into age and morbid wisdom is a preoccupation with “bones”. There is a phrase in Chinese that I heard in my chinese version of Harry Potter that literally means to hate something to the bone. Now when I talk about my preoccupation, I am not always talking about hate. What I am talking about though is that more and more, questions seem to be shaking and questioning the foundation of what I am. More and more it is like my structure and my foundation are threatened ~ if not simply called into question (same thing). And I find that I am in fact a very fragile creature. One moment I feel like I can control the cosmos with my fingertips and the next, I’m blown over and shattered. I am a gothic hipster. I had a gloriously foul tuesday(my mid-week weekend) two or three weeks ago. I realized that I was a gothic hipster when I finally broke and went to Pizza Hut b/c I was craving crispy carbs (all they’ve got in this interpretation of chinese food is chewy carbs). Some yokel was goading his kid into saying hello to me and I was having none of it. So what did I do? like a refined, tactful North-American, I took out my ipod and made a minor show of putting in my ear buds and also took out my moleskin journal and designer pen. (this is where the genuinely interesting people say --- you hipster trash!) That nipped that notion in the bud right effectively. I ordered my pizza and ate it... and then payed for it... and then left. But in the process of sitting there and waiting for the thing to arrive so i’d have something to do with my mouth for once, I started writing exactly what was going through my head. I was feeling really base at the moment, so I wasn’t exactly thinking through things, but things just sort of “came.” I asked myself, “why do they have to stare at me like i’m some sort of animal in the zoo?” And before I even finished writing the sentence, it struck me: “Why do I assume that they have to stare at me like I’m an animal in the zoo?” ~Do I need validation so much that I am imagining gawking and (not at that moment... but in others) downright ill-will so that at least someone is focusing on me enough to give me ill will? I realized that im a total “gothic hipster”, because I am seeking for validation by being so un-known and misunderstood that I am envisioning scenarios where people are too boobish or boring to actually interact with me. Holy crap... I’m the theme of many a vengeful song by broken hearted girls. Dido sings one called “See you when you’re 40” Katy Perry “You’re so gay” (no judging!! : p) Well... the answer... as with many problems... is alcohol... eccentric prayer... and sleep. It may not BRING answers in a timely fashion... but it is at least an answer to the problem (otherwise known as a response.) --- So I suppose I should go full circle and answer my first question, at least in some capacity. Should American’s learn another language. Hell... if it fires your sun- absolutely. If you’re stuck too far in that corner of the room that you call life... YAH -- figure out there are more people in the room than you. You might like some of them. If your sense of meaning and self-worth is based on the your knowledge or capacity to learn (another/other) language(s) ... I don’t want to answer this one.

Dalian and The Lorax

Beer-sickles may be the most entertaining thing all day. Maybe not the most fulfilling, but probably the most entertaining (but its only 2 o’clock so who knows whats around the river bend. Pocahontas maybe.) Yesterday I put several cans o’beer in the freezer because they were room temperature, and the little mini-fridge/freezer hadn’t been plugged in. This was around 3pm I proceeded to pass out like the suffering jet-lagger I am, and boopitie shoobop ~ twilight comes around and I realize i’ve doomed my sleep schedule. Gotta start making good habits while you can but... aaaah heck ~ toss the repercussions... im tired. One thing leads to another I wake up at 1:30am and I go through the night until the sun starts to come up again around 5:00 and then take a nap and wake up at 7:30. I finally realize that I should brave the freezer and see if all my cans-o-beer have exploded. What magic ~ not a one of them did. So I moved them to my fridge in the morning and went to climb this mountain/ steep hill thats on campus. its about a 10 minute jaunt to the top of it (past the heaps of peoples trash : / and the cellphone tower : / ... the Lorax would not be pleased im sure). At the top is one of the more breath-taking views of the open sea that i’ve seen in quite a while. I’ll get you all pictures the next time I go up and take my camera (might be a while... or might be very soon ~ the crux is me remembering to take the camera. If only I had an iphone eh?) So anyhow, after lunch I took one out ~ still yet unbusted and put it in my New Zealand cozy and flicked the top twice. The question going through my head with my finger on the tab (Chinese beer cans have the pull tabs by the way~ the oldschool ones that actually pull off the metal opening completely) ~the question was... when beer is frozen... what happens to the carbon dioxide. WELL! It didn’t bust so lets find out. SCHPLAT! some how this pressurized vessel managed a 360* splash zone from a small hole in the top. My glasses, my computer screen, the wall, the closet... we all got spritzed. Evidently its still got some spunk even when its been frozen. Also... alcohol and water freeze a different temperatures (water freezes first...). One of the quirks of a beer-cicle is that once you pop the fun dont stop... no seriously... you kind of have to steadily drink it or the ice will displace too much liquid and it’ll flow all over your desk as it melts. SEEEE?!?!! science is fun. －－－ But a little bit about the city I live in: Dalian The first person I met when I got to the airport and fetched my luggage (praise be, it was all there) was a super awesome guy named James. He’s from inner-mongolia, which pretty much instantly makes him famous in my eyes. All you have to do is say it and I’m all eyes and ears. And then he has to go and seal the deal by being interesting on his own. Shucks. We take a taxi through a kind of ghetto part of town that evidently sells funeral supply stuff. I asked if the next area was gonna be babies and then weddings: get the whole spectrum of life right?. (so darn clever of me) All the while there are 2-3 things ringing in my head: this is real China and they’re not trying to hide it, the air is clear and I can actually breathe (a step up from my previous city for sure), and finally ~ there is so much potential for this place to be a great new stomping grounds for me. We got me to my apartment which is on campus and “cozy.” now I just have to make it homey : / Where’s that box with all my flags that I mailed here...? I’ll have to ask someone about that on monday. The place is swarming with dragon flies and I mean by the thousands. And my personal favourite common bird: the Azure-winged Magpie. Though I do really like crows too. --- Randomalia aside I have a question for everyone: do you think emotional susceptibility changes based on other events that happen in your life? For example ~ people like me have an irritation-o-meter and the more irritated we get, the more likely we are to blow up about small insignificant things. But the same applies for other emotions too. Like the other day I came in and saw Dalian for the first time, and I was so elated that the ghetto-ness of my apartment even made me laugh. (there is a booby-trap switch out of the three for the bathroom that will flip the circuit breaker... that seems to be its only function: to mess up your midnight bathroom trip...) These are two fairly superficial examples, but I think (and for myself I know) that it applies for deeper more shaking emotions too. To be transparent - I’ve left home to cross the big water 3 times now. Each time has been different, and this time has been incredibly potent. I suppose part of me expected it to be easier (the second time was pretty easy, but this third time was about as potent and moving for me as the first.) Without getting into the details of how that happened, we’ll say for now that I was basically in mourning over leaving my people this time. OK I guess i’ll give some of the why and how. I never really expected to be as close to my family as i’ve gotten. That might confuse you, but I don’t care. Be shocked and amazed if you want. But each step forward that I take in finding who I am, I have also found that i’ve taken another step closer to understanding and wanting to understand these incredible people in my nuclear family (sorry extended family... you’re still on audition : / ) And so to leave them, even though it was completely of my own doing and volition, and definitely the healthy step that I need and want to take, was a separation that I really lament. I started writing something on the topic earlier and i’ll copy paste that in here now. Some of it will be redundant, but it might interest you to see some of the differences in my writing that show up when I write in different moods: ----------------- It always feel so funerary when im about to cross the big water. There’s this feeling like you know the end of what you’re doing now is coming to the end, and you can feel yourself carried towards this “wall of the end” but never know what to expect next. You don’t feel like there is the other side, nor that there isn’t another side, but all you know is that this right now - is ending. I’ve been so touched this last trip home, because I saw, felt and over-all experienced such an immense love and closeness with my people. I never really thought that i’d be in that boat~ where I was so emotionally moved by that kind of separating from my family. This is the third time. And this time in some ways has been the most potent. I think its one of the most healthy and sobering things to feel sadness every so often. And as I have dealt with my sadness today I chose instead of suppressing it, to let it wash over me. Not to wallow in it and count it a misfortune, but to bathe in the feeling and let it remind me of how deeply loved I truly am. Sorrow in most situations is a recognition of lacking or loss. We talk of mourning, but you can’t mourn unless you had something worth having in the first place; so it was a deep and extensive reserve that breached the boundaries of its container within me today: because I have been so blessed and loved so well as to be worth mourning. And I consider that power. I consider that a measure of wealth that has been invested in our lives. And I want as much of that joy and the mourning as my little bones can take. I think to limit our experience of emotion and what they are there to tell us, is a form of robbery. We pillage and loot the depth of what we have had, and are having, and will have if we are so fortunate~ if we don’t recognize and embrace our emotions and seek to understand them. --- I watched a movie about C.S. Lewis and his coping with the death of his wife by cancer. He made a statement in their letters ~ one of which was along the lines of: We are only living in a world of shadows, real life has not yet begun. ---------------------- So thats another part of me for you, not that I imagine it surprises anyone that im super emotional (part of being a drama-queen I suppose). And to round this bit off and finish asking my question about my emotional susceptibility theory... I just watched the Lorax on recommendation of my sister and a friend from Zhengzhou... well he’s from Mexico but anyhow... And I was moved to tears by certain parts of it, and im pretty sure it wasn’t just the movie itself. I tried to explain my take on emotions to someone in the past few months and one of the metaphors that I really stick with is the door in the chest idea. It all goes back to love I think. happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, infatuation, theres a whole slew of “emotions” that come and go without your bidding, and you can’t really do much about them. You can bottle them, or you can experience them. Sometimes that means ulcers, sometimes that means venting them ~ and how you do that is your business. But love, in its many varieties, has a profound effect on, i would venture to say, all of those other emotions. It imbues and augments each of the emotions in a different way. So im here watching the Lorax, and these things that i’d normally brush off my shoulders are all the sudden bringing me to the brink of tears. What gives yo?

Creativity

When I was younger, and even today if you talk to my mom : p, people would talk about how creative I was/am. But I question these kinds of statements. Am I really? I think “creative” is a word thats inherently bathed in subjectivity. It IS whatever the bump you want it to be. Thats the evasive beauty of it. But that seems like a load of faux-inspirational hooey to me, and I was thinking today about whether or not I really am creative. Some say im creative, but in many ways im just derivative. I see a lot of things. I hear, I feel and I taste just like anybody. Most of what I do is just copy and paste what i’ve perceived before in different contexts and combinations. Am I really creating anything new then? or do I just fractionally perpetuate? Frustrating thought really, but generalities don’t rule out possibility. How do we dream? What is the difference between taking the road already traveled and doing it as best you can and blazing your own trail. Blazing~ burning and forcing yourself into a place that wasn’t open before. Such an aggressive term. Hard work always seems to be connected with success. Sadly enough though its not, at least from what I’ve seen. You can plow on doggedly in pursuit of what was done before, or no real goal in particular... but do you really accomplish what you were looking for? Correct answer is NO because you didn’t know what you were looking for in the first place. You (I) just wanted to “succeed”. Terribly dissatisfying because it never comes to you (me) if you don’t know what your actually looking for : / ~~ This might be completely unrelated on the face of it but i’m gonna talk about it anyway and you can try to bridge the gap or you can just enjoy the ride. And if you dont want to do either of those then you can just sod off and leave me be (snoot of derision to THOSE people). My oldest sister and I were talking the other day about learning styles and the way that we go about remembering things best. Granted this is probably after a conversation about how much we’ve forgotten owing to the effects of binge drinking... but thats a side trail. She and I both identify as more kinesthetic learners in a way because we both learn by doing, but we have some pretty key differences, even in that. She says that most of her best thinking is done when she’s doing strenuous exercise, and im just the opposite. When I exercise heavily I get very distracted and my thoughts are often very erratic (not erotic- mind you). No. I suppose a good part of my best thinking is done when im cleaning. A menial task that makes me be more observant and more thorough and gives me a feeling of accomplishment. It makes me feel like im actually going into the realm of something “good” and my entire being thrums in harmony with a clean, smooth and intuitively organized environment. Its a small thing then when you consider how easy it is to put me in a bad mood by scattering small bits of bullshit in “my space.” things like sand... crackers... sticky bits of childhood, liquid.... or God-forbid ~ crumpled-apart styrofoam. The static electricity that that stuff picks up and its super-light air-susceptible nature make it wildly frustrating for me. But back to cleaning and Zen. I like washing dishes most I think. Warm water and a finishing line. Its a good way to “earn your dirty” as my second sister would say~ to earn the right to be tired by having done something worth-while. WELL! I just earned my dirty by tearing apart the kitchen yet again in my conquest of making this place a little bit less ridiculous. My favourite thing is to take things that dont belong where they are - and throw them. My train of thought is: if its somewhere it doesn’t belong, then it doesn’t matter if I throw it somewhere else it doesn’t belong. Also im gonna sweep anyway. AND the most fun part is watching people crouch in surf-like fear as missiles go flying about the room in every-which way while I go about my business. I figure it has more impact and just MAYBE they’ll think twice about putting shit where it don’t belong! I might be mistaken... but im willing to enjoy it regardless ^_^ Now THATS good gambling. Anywho~ I think the thing that makes cleaning so stimulating for my train of thought is that it gets my mental momentum going. Im huge into synergy, and I think this is just another one of those things. I can accomplish mountains of work as long as I know what im going to do and how to accomplish it. Otherwise ~ relatively simple tasks can make me want to do nothing more than take a nap. And I really do think that environment has a huge impact on people perhaps most importantly on a passive and subconscious level. What the hey ~ the more we can do to get ourselves walking with the right foot forward the better as far as I’m concerned. In fact I was recently in Petsmart with my champion of brother who has a horse of a dog. We were getting him some sort of specific dog food that he likes for its magical health and non-gas producing qualities (red meat... evidently is the gassy killer). And while wandering around trying to find a customer service representative to help us find the humongo bag, I noticed the aquaria and subsequent fish. And I went BOOM! Headshot! That would be the PERFECT pet for me as I travel all over the world. Relatively low cost and I can have something that doesn’t live super long anyway. I’d love to have a cat and/or birds but I just cant respect myself to knowingly get an animal that can live an upwards of 20 years when im only gonna be in a place for 1-2 or something under 5 and have no real intent (or ability) to bring them with me. But Guppies only live like 4 years under the best of conditions and they breed like lies among slutty teenagers. ohhhhh weary sigh though y’all. So i’ve done two things in the time since starting this post: googled “what does it mean to dream big” and used my mac-standard dictionary (the thing is just delicious) to look up creative. The definition search yielded the following: relating to or involving the imagination or original ideas, especially in the production of an artistic work. It also had a bit of a debate similar to the one I posted above about derivative vs. creative. They also suggested a few other more specific words to replace creative in certain instances: Original, Imaginative, Inventive, and Resourceful ~ and I thought it was an interesting sort of list. I think this list is interesting and important because, as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I think people hide behind the word creative. They use it to spread around fluffy feelings, and the beef i’ve got with that is that fake compliments are hardly more than farts in the wind. They carry good intentions... maybe... but how can anyone be expected to take a compliment to heart if its not grounded in any sort of truth? In fact a compliment that the receiver knows to be a lie (calling a troll beautiful and relying on that “in the eye of the beholder” schtick for example) is more than likely to create mistrust and just further doubt and questioning on the issue. And while im on the issue ~ please don’t fake happiness. Christians and religious folk are some of the worst perpetrators of this life-crime b/c they feel its their responsibility to show the world how “good” their lives are ~ doubtlessly because of how “good” religion is. And I say this as someone raised in a Christian house and Christian community... and have seen FAAAAR more than my fair share of fake lives. But to pretend that everything is delicious and that every moment is “just a joy” then I think we’re covering over the spectrum of life and numbing the clarity of truth. This type of life leads to a lot of treading softly and builds personal closets that we subconsciously know we just shouldn’t open. And I regard that as sub-par. I want the full spectrum and I’m gonna claw and bite my way to it regardless of those who think I shouldn’t. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (phil 4:8) Is this where we get off track with that “nice stuff only” attitude? And I ask each and every one of you - is truth what it claims to be unless it is in its entirety? If there is only part of the truth, does it remain “the truth”? Life, and subsequently everything in it, has its ups and downs. Where are dreams, there are also nightmares, where there is explosive laughter there is also bitter sorrow, and to not even acknowledge the other parts of these wholes is to spit on and disrespect the whole itself. Anyhow thats my diatribe on that... (Exit soap-box stage left) So on to the second thing: I googled “what does it mean to {dream big}.” I’ve had so many people tell me to dream bigger. I don’t really dream ~ that or im constantly dreaming. This or that. But I wanted to know what other people thought the definition for the thing was, and so I googled it ~ like I do all good questions. And the first page had nothing but one good hit and the rest was either complete bollocks or faux-inspirational tripe. Just like “creativity” ~ “dream big” seems to be this mantra that people hide behind to make the world seem uplifting and supportive without actually having to do any of that pesky supporting or uplifting. Trash. So the one good hit had like one good comment and then a bunch of mildly interesting fluff (probably more succinct in its mildly interestingness than mine... ~snark) To go on though ~ she talked about “creating a life” and living creatively. Fairly non-committal things but she did cue me off on another thought: How much of creativity was really just looking at a context in a new/different way? How do we solve new problems that spring up? How do mechanics fix your car? Anywhich way it all starts with knowing what the situation is, and the more intimately that we know what the thing is, the more freedom we have to explore ways to solve it. And even if its not a problem, what if its just something that just “is”? My brother, his girl-friend and I were talking about Picasso because of one of her frankly disturbing dreams the night before and my brother mentioned an artist called Salvatore Dali. I only knew about the Melting Clocks thing he did. He’s got lots of other goofy awesome/ disturbing stuff. And you know we call these people ~ these artists ~ great imaginative “creative” folk. But I ask myself why, and there is a huge part of me that screams out, “BECAUSE THEY LOOK AT THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY!” Shoot. They’re painting clocks for goodness sakes: what horribly impractical crap. But some of us are deeply moved by what these champions of expression do. I am (at least some of the time : p) Not that i’ve really gotten to spend anywhere near enough time with so-called artists to say these things, but I like to think that they get something in their head that they need to express, and it comes from them in a dynamic and living way. It is their experience and perspective that they birth into the realm where everyone else gets to experience it. And I am grateful that they do it. While I do not appreciate all art ~ in whatever media it may come in ~ I appreciate and in fact CRAVE for people to express. And what are some areas that we have seen people “Dream Big” and “Go for the Gold.” Oh look ~ the olympics. Again... And child stars. Gosh I severely dislike child stars. Those America’s Got Talent and whos-its-whats-its that are non-stop on T.V. A lot of people get confused and befuddled when I say i don’t like the olympics and child-stars. My dad for one. He loves that crap. I cant tell you how much time he spends watching children with full-blown operatic abilities or how giggly he’ll get when he sees these 17 year old olympian swimmers. “Imagine what it’d be like to be going back as a senior in highschool with a gold medal (guffaw guffaw guffaw).” uh-huh... (sneer) It just so happens that when I was in middle school, I had round glasses. And I looked exactly like the illustration of harry potter. I got myself a temporary nickname I did... But you know the killer: when I watched the Harry Potter movies as they came out, I would enjoy them until the credits and then i’d get bitter. You wanna know the petty reason why? Cause I had this bitter envy of their adventures. They had adventures that made them grow. Danger that made their dreams lucid. But lets not dwell on how petty I can be ^_^ I would be mentally “off” for a week: distracted and irritable because I wanted to get swooped up and taken on adventures myself. (Sigh) But I guess I’ll just have to not live a story and instead create a crazy sort of a life. --- I was having a bit of what we in my family call “quiet time” and reading along in scripture and I with this whole inner dialogue about creativity that i’ve been having I came across these bits and read them in a different way than I ever have before. Salt and Light Matt 5: ~ 13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. What if this wasn’t the same thing i’ve been hearing my whole life? What if this wasn’t as much about being out-there evangelical Christians doing good works and converting the whole place so help me God?!! Honestly im a lot more likely to believe that this is talking about being the people that we were made to be. This isn’t about religious fervor I don’t think ~ I think this has a lot more to do with giving what you have to give in life and contributing in the unique and glorious way that we were made to. I was talking to a particularly wise friend of mine once and we talk about culture at large a lot. She commented partway through some conversation about how many people in culture aren’t interested in really supporting and cultivating people, but instead are a lot more interested in shaping other people to be more like them ~ to project their own ideas and attitudes and interests on other people. Holy zombie apocalypse y’all. Lets look at one more thing and then I can stop thumpin’ the book ~ don’t worry. Matt 6:~ 22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! So we talked about creativity possibly being a way of looking at the world differently right? SO check out the above: The first verse talks about the eyes and its connection to light. Which sounds painfully obvious right? There were old-school philosophies (ancient greek, I forget who...) that subscribed to an idea that light came from within you and the rest of the world was dark, and whatever the light from your eyes shined on - was what you could see. For us its the other way around, but whatever. The kicker for me though is where it talks about your eyes being healthy or unhealthy and your body being full of light or darkness. Then in the last sentence it says ~ if the LIGHT within you is DARKNESS then how great is that darkness! Its a big deal to me and this was the thunderbolt to the dome for me because its a mixed metaphor. Two things that normally can’t co-exist. What if this is actually talking about the same thing I mentioned above ~ creativity just being a different way of looking at the world, and expressing yourself based on that perception. If your eyes are healthy, and you embrace your light and cultivate it (put it on a stand) then your light has a chance to shine out and enrich the lives of those around you. Whereas when we cramp and hinder who we are, or could be, and become something other than what our inner self is (or could be) we kill that light. Our light actually becomes a darkness and we instead spread that nastiness around. Some of the nastiest people i’ve ever met were the ones that either refused to acknowledge who they were, or wanted to cramp the spectrum of what other people could be. “Just” a thought. ---- So the productive area of all this is that I think I’ve just licensed myself with more freedoms. No one is going to schedule my life for me. No one can dream my dreams for me, and I don’t want them to. No - instead im much more inspired in continuing down the road that I was going in, but definitely in a different way. I’ve loved languages and cultures for a very long time, and some of the key reasons that I do are because of how connected those things are to the way people perceive their experience and how they express their thoughts and feelings about their experiences. And I want more of that. I was getting disheartened over the past... probably year, but as long as I pick my venues better, I am convinced that there is a lot left in this world for me to be a part of. And the more I experience ~ the more ill be able to contribute. Why not?

Standing-By

Flying Standby is one of the most unpleasant things I can think of. It is stress incarnate. Distilled stress. Stress in a bottle: and then that bottle is poured out over ones naked body as you wait exposed and uncomfortable hoping that it’ll pay off! Standby, in case you dont know, is a way of flying, usually used by the families of airline employees. You can fly technically for free (though now its not free... just greatly reduced price) but you have to wait and see if there is room in order to get on. Well... the flight im waiting to get on is overbooked (they sold more tickets than they technically have seats for in “coach” class). And there is only one per day. And there is no other option aside from a flight leaving at the same time but from Shanghai. So it would be pointless to consider. If I miss this flight ~ i’ll have to wait 24 hours. If im very fortunate, i’ll be upgraded to business class or maybe even magical FIRST class :D and enjoy one of the best flights possible to mankind. You’re really tossing the dice on this sort of thing. I am anxious, but at the same time not. There is a sort of dull pressure and unpleasantness on my head and in my stomach that comes with this sort of thing. But at the same time ~ i’ve seen crazy things happen in traveling, and I’ve seen that at least MOST things happen for a reason. And I won’t know what that reason is until later. Maybe a lot later. Or maybe I won’t know at all. --- Lo and behold though~ regardless of how colossal and impossible it may have seemed (and there was part of me that just ‘-.- -. . .--’ i was boned) I managed to get on the flight. ANd I was one of the last two people on the plane. And I got first class ~ on a 12 hour flight. ohhhhh the money shots. i’ll show you later via pictures and graphic description just how glorious it is. It makes sense now ~ why people pay so much for it. If you’re just traveling from origin to destination... no it doesn’t make sense. But if you want to feel like the world is your oyster and that you are like the supreme commander of the world!!! then international first class is something that is hard to replicate ~ even in a mountain top hotel (though Timberline definitely wins hands down) Imagine this ~ do try: An area usually taken up by 6 seats dedicated to your own lay-down district that my dad calls a ‘pod.’ (PS he has only recently started enjoying the wonders of international first class {the only reason he’s had to indulge was to come see me... and to go home after .. -./ ... - -.-- .-.. .}) You have 3 windows. A swiveling chair that could fit an obese kiwi like it was a throne. And complimentary access to unlimited wine, spirits, food, and the generally awesome conversation of my particular flights wonderful flight attendants. There are three that have been regularly attending my area. Ms. Linda has been fawning on my like the queen she is. The first thing out of her mouth as she offers me a drink (champaign, orange juice, or... something thick that im not quite sure... some sort of smoothie maybe) is: Would you like a drink for being the best dressed person on the flight? Its not very often that we see someone as well dressed as you on this flight (and she’s one of the queens of first class ~ WTF??! whats wrong with these people in first class?) All I could do was smile wide and do my (ohhh you DO go on) laugh. I should get into extortion. I’m not meant for the business world... so i’ll just have to make sure that I leverage the business people im involved with in the right way so that I can get this sort of lavish pampering more often. Let it flow like pearls before swine!!!! Ms. Linda came back around another time (there are only 16 seats in 1st class) and offered me some sort of delicious pastry or other ~ and told me: How am I so blessed to have someone as well dressed as yourself on this flight? Look around ~ theres a girl over there in a sweatsuit that maybe fit 2 years ago, and then they go and put on those damn pajamas and take their underwear off! (first class has pajamas provided complimentary... along with slippers, an amenity kit, Bose headphones and a full set of bedclothes... sheets, mat topper, douvet etc. in addition to all the stuff i’ve already mentioned food and booze wise {God bless the booze}). SOOOOo I told myself... im not putting on the pajamas. I want to stay in this wonderful woman’s (these wonderful women’s) good graces. And as of this moment ~ im going back and forth between my three beverages ~ all of which are endless: Coffee, Wine, Water. And then the lavatory.... I feel like royalty - even though the only bit of silk on me is my glorious and evidently eye-catching english schoolboy tie. .-.-.- I got a ticket! I was the 4th non-rev (a category of traveler that is on the standby list) and last... to get a ticket. And I was told to hurry up. Naturally I bolt as fast as I can manage in slippery couture boots. customs was hectic and there was a train... and crazy ass chinese people. And then a herd of Koreans that I recognized immediately because they were all ajossis and ajummas and they were all in their bubblegum colours of outdoor hiking type clothing, but with curled, dyed-black hair, and waaaaaaay too much fake whitening going on. And then there were the anger issues. there was like a 70 year old woman that just raged in the cage on an ajossi (older man) in their entourage. she gave him a vicious kick and punch all in the space of 0.5 seconds. And people wonder why i’ve become all racist. \ Ajumma’s are legitimately scarY! and then the X-ray was taking FOREVER!!! and I was like... good LORD! I have a ticket for first class on a 12 hour flight. What kind of horrid nightmare would it be to miss the flight because of mitigating circumstances??!?? Pizdiets as my russian speaking friends would say. But one of the gate agents came to the x-ray and asked us if we were on the American Airlines flight to Chicago ~ and two of us were... and she told us to hurry up b/c everyone was waiting for us. (Its not my fault dangit!!! PLEASE WAAAAAIIIIITTTT!!) So finally we dash through the safety mark! DASH TO THE GATE!!!! And the wonderful gate agent who gave me the ticket said, “Peter!!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? HURRY UP!” No joking. So they snatched up and tore my ticket stub all lickety quick and then shooed me onto the ramp. I dashed down the gang-plank and they said “TURN LEFT!” And so I did ~ I got to ‘turn left,’ And I was (am) as royalty. .- -. -../ ../ -.. --- -. -/ -.. . ... . .-. ...- ./ .. - (which is morse code for ‘and I dont deserve it’ for those of you who are not Duri... or HAM radio operators...) ---------------- And I am reminded at this time of revelation and reveling... of one of the many lessons I’ve learned from my sister. Even though at the time we really really didn’t get along. If you don’t try new ways of life, new tastes, new experiences of whichever sort ~ you don’t really know the scope of whats out there. And if we dont get a sample of what is out there ~ then how can we go about expanding that spectrum, and add to it in other ways? Thats part of why its important to try new foods that you originally sneer at. I tried lox on this flight already~ I didn’t even know what that was. And seeing as how I don’t have the internet, I decided to put it into my Chinese dictionary. WHY?! Because when things are translated into chinese they usually have a more literal translation that explains what they are. shoot ~ i didn’t even know what insulin was until I had to look it up in my chinese dictionary to explain it to some chinese friends. Evidently its a hormone or something secreted from the ‘isles’ of something in the pancreas. How about that? there are isles in the pancreas. Sounds like an adventure in science ~ someone get the Magic School bus on that please. ANYHOW! Lox is translated as smoked something or other fish ( which as it ends up... lox is a brined salmon which is then somewhat smoked. Quite nice. Especially when its served with capers and diced red onions and a mini bagel with loads of cream cheese and a lemon wedge. Get OUT my way. It changed my mind on the potential that Airline food can achieve.) and then the champaign! So anyway, im just really enjoying the basking in this...ness. And im going to continue doing so for the next like 8 hours XD .-.-.- I know it sounded like I was bitching and moaning in the above portion about waiting for standbye. Because I was... Yes im enjoying myself immensely. But also think of the nightmare that would have awaited if I hadn’t made the flight? ALL Things considered~ the Beijing airport is a pretty good place to be trapped for 24+ hours. They have rooms that you can rent out to shower or sleep in. ~ not sure what the rates are... but when despair sets in... thers a lot of things that would just be “worth it.” Am I right? I’d like to go to Morocco. Just sayin’ Oh but back to the point. 24 hours... on 2-3 hours of snatchy sleep (5-15 minutes snatches each while waking up to make sure your shit isn’t getting stolen.) Is a horrible thing. The hunger. The feeling dirty from traveling. The knowledge that you still have another 12 hours of flight before you even get back to your country... where you’ll have to hope to get on yet ANOTHER flight... its all a bit much you know. But there was a mixture of peace and anxiety within me because i’ve seen this before. Not just standbye ~ but the critical scanarios. The situations where it seems like your stranded on a desert island... or could be. And you may be ~ But who knows what the rum-runners left behind? Who knows what sort of sea-turtles you’ll meet? And so with great apprehension I have flown standby. I suppose its a lifestyle really. (though frankly i’d much rather to just have a blessed ticket and not worry about the whole goosy nonsense of losing a few months of my life and risking a stroke on account of some sodding travel. Seek out the rum-runners and turtles in your spare time dangit!)

Crush....crush crush.

Seems i’ve got a little bit of insomnia ~ and I havent written for a while so here goes. ~ ~ I’ve been riding this totally glorious wave of synergy and euphoria. I’ve got 2 weeks left. I’m not worrying about exams, though I’ll take most of them (not that it actually matters because I boycotted the midterms and its therefore impossible for me to pass~). I’ve got a monster crush at the moment and i’m loving every minute of it. I haven’t actually told them yet ~ though I imagine its painfully obvious. I’m not even really sure what my “tells” are because until about last year... I didn’t really accept crushes as a reality and think I let them just float away on the river of my subconscious. I was/ am / ?? ~ I wanted to stay away from the relationship thing b/c my goals and dreams were what I wanted to put first, and im not willing to ask someone to play second fiddle to my aspirations. Its not what im about. So I basically resolved to not be involved until I got to a point where I felt I could... well I dont think I ever actually had a line to cross where I would definitively feel ok with “being with” someone. But a few instrumental things have happened. Lie ~ many things have happened from A to B. My goals and ideas of achieving something meaningful in life have been shaken for starters ~ and that has led to a developing acceptance of finding and spreading love and joy to as many as possible. So instead of having someone play second fiddle to my aspirations, maybe someone could come alongside and achieve the same ultimate goal. Its a pretty simple aspiration when it comes down to it. The trick is in the details : / ~ So i’ve not told this person b/c I havent made up my mind if thats juvenile or not and I wanted to express my thoughts to the worldwide web before doing anything else. Is this the modern age’s equivalent of proclaiming one’s obsessions from the rooftops. I have a hard time getting to sleep sometimes (that wasn’t tonight though-) b/c I start thinking about what that life might be like and I feel like I might be glowing like Clair Danes in “Stardust.” And the practical side of me says that its doomed from the start. Im leaving in about 2 weeks. They’ll go back to where they’re from and live a normal life with the normal monotony and out-of-left-field surprises that everyone can and cannot expect. Oh indeed~ but anyway, on to more of the recent past and near future. Blessed. Thats what i’d call the past two weeks (minus this heinous cold I caught). I’ve learned new card games and spent enormous amounts of time with incredible friends. Its not everyone that can spend like 4 days straight with other people and still have volumes to talk about and be completely content with doing little else but talking, eating and drinking with those people. And i’ve got like 4 of those at the moment. Thats biblical grade awesome right there I tell you. And so im basically just interested in basking in that awesome. And maybe learning Russian and Cantonese...

A Wave Blown by the Wind

OHHHHH I dunno man. I’m so lazy these days. I dont wanna do something... and you know what: I don’t. So there. I want an apple ~ imma get that apple... unless they don’t sell any apples... then i’ll just forget about it for a while. BUT! when it comes to skipping class, I got some real constitution! Yessir and or madam. I can not go to class with the best of them these days. Anyhow~ I’m bored with that line of thought so lets move on. I dont like being lazy. I frankly think its a second rate existence, and i’d like to go after something worth having. I’ve become obsessed with a chinese word recently (sometime within the past 24 hours): which literally means “eat.bitter” 吃苦 (chi1 ku3) ~ what it actually means is basically “suck it up” and deal with the shit life gives you. Particularly patient and tolerant folk are said to really be able to eat bitter...ness. The question i’ve been asking for the past several months is “Why on earth would you want to do that?” with a little Xtra... “thats nonsense” thrown in after the rhetorical question. The past few days especially its started to kick in that... the 苦 (bitterness) is always going to be there, so if you’re going to have it in your life... you might as well have a good reason to eat it. --- Yesterday this idea of being a wave tossed by the sea popped back into my head. Its a reference from James (to be quoted below in just a hott second.) From my perspective, to always be running from the 苦(ku3) in life means that your being lead by your circumstances. When we do this ~ we’re letting our environment define us. Because if your not willing to 吃苦 to get through this pile of unpleasant to get to the other side ~ you never actually “get” that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (yes I know that metaphor is as tangled as christmas lights in the hands of a three year old...). In that kind of life ~ your always running “from” something, never “to” something. Feel the mighty power of prepositions! So here we go ~ James 1:2-8 Consider it pure Joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, (3) because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. (4) perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (5) If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (6) But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (7) That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; (8)he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. and that I am ~ TOTALLY unstable. Funnily enough, as I was in the “falling out stage” with my previous boss ~ she told me I was completely unstable. Granted she said it in Chinese and was trying to use that as ammunition to get me to stay and be her evil little henchman... which im not so much about. -- My limited experience has shown me that there are basically 3 reactions to the idea of perseverance stated above. I’ve said it before, but a lot of conservative ~ particularly Christian....~ people push the idea that if you just “suck it up... and tough it out” you’ll get what you want. But if you dont know what you want... how can you get it? Am I supposed to want what you want? where’s this conversation going? Another is being convinced of your goal, and going through fire and water (or not) to get it. And the third is to be of the opinion that nothing is worth having... so we should just forget it all anyway. ... Theres a lot that isn’t worth having frankly. A lot of things that, from their own nature, aren’t worth going through fire and water to get to. Why burn yourself trying to get burn cream? Counter-productive much? And as with most things i’ve found that anything worth having usually is at the core of the thing you see, and that core is what grows and motivates and builds what we see. Like money... a lot of people see what money can provide them, and so they go after it. They know that the money is where the rest of the fun starts ~ so they go chasing after it. But when they get the money... do they have time and zeal left to enjoy what the money can do? (so I ask myself if its worth it...) In my experience, people are worth investing in. Money is only worth anything if it enhances the lives of the people it comes in contact with. -- So where I am at this point is: the kind of wisdom I need is