Thursday, March 3, 2011


Subconscious Half-decisions

Do you ever have moments where you have been thinking about something that is going on in your life, and you realize that on a certain level you have already made a decision?

Well, I definitely do. Its actually a fairly common thing for me. I’ll subconsciously make decisions and then that decision will begin to manifest itself in some way.

So recently i’ve put out two blogs on the topic of dating ~ and as I was contemplating them (when I was writing them aswell...) I realized that the only person I would want to date so far was already my platonic friend. It struck me that more and more frequently I was beginning to invite this person to random get togethers...

And then I said to myself HOOOLD UP! WAIT A MINUTE! - “The only reason im magically more interested in this person is because of a train of thought i’ve been having.”

It just started to scream cliché to me.


Next step of the process.

I figured out that not only had I subconsciously made a decision that started leaning in one direction, but I had also just made another (slightly more conscious) decision that completely flies in the face of the previous one. Gosh I should be a shrink.

So for me, the “place” i’ve come to is that I don’t want to absently hunt people I already know i’m not interested in.

But there aren’t a lot of people that I AM interested in... I’m ok with that I guess.

I was talking to my sister probably... wow... three or four years ago.... when she was trying to find a discussion group that would work for her, and she made a comment that at the time I wasn’t sure I agreed with. She said something along the lines of - we are not normal people and sometimes its hard to find the right pack of wolves to run with, cause we just don’t fit.

As I’ve grown and developed from my younger years of SEVERE independence and come to realize just how social i am, I’ve tried to tried to define myself not by what I can’t do or won’t be a part of, but instead by my ability to flex and and “meet people on their level.” No its not as arrogant as it sounds. I’m not saying i’m better (though sometimes I am ^_^), I’m just saying that everyone is different, and some people are less willing to leave their own area of comfort and control.

This does have its limitations though. I’m willing to meet people on different levels for a number of things, which is actually kind of convenient for me, because I have a LOT of interests.... but there are still things that I just find no interest in, and find it very difficult to connect with people on. Sports being one of those things. Naturally... I dont like boys most of the time....

Anyhow - back to my point.

As much as I like to be the go-between who can see a problem from many different angles and perspectives, there comes a time when you have to be true to yourself and your own preferences. I have no desire to be a martyr for a worthless or anything other than cosmo-shaking cause. And then it’d make one heck of a movie.

I have found that in my work life alone, I can’t sacrifice my dreams for ambition or my subconscious will rebel.

And I think it would be the same thing if I just casually dated. If I just dated for the fun of it, I think I would get very bored with the person very quickly. Im a moody kind of person, and I can change very quickly... and not everyone can handle that.

And I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want to grow quickly, or i’d be far too tempted to throw them by the wayside. Yes... I am that cold.

So in conclusion - I don’t intend to casually date because I am a heartless savage