Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I love distressed women. I always have. But before you go placing me in the box with disturbed, disturbing disturbers of the peace... let me expound on that and say that my heart goes out to distressed women. I like’m when they got that there fire in thur eyes ~ ok im not helping my case here but i’ll go on. Women when they are legitimately pissed off or put out in some way shape or form have this awesome primordial fire that I think is just stupendous. I was on Youtube searching around “why should I learn Korean” to see what peoples crack-pot reasons would be. I eventually found a video with a born Korean naturalized American girl going on this monster diatribe. She was kind of retarded I wont lie... and there is a lot of that in the world, but it was the heat coming off her words that impressed me more. I feel like Koreans always have this sort of snarl when they get angry. White women sneer... black women purse their lips so that they stick out an extra two inches and chinese women just don’t shut up so I can’t tell you what they’re faces look like when they’re angry. The snarl really just grabs me right away ~ I smile every time I see it on a movie poster, on the side of the road or in a movie. Probably not helping the situation but I don’t care too much about that ~ smiles have a power of their own too. So anyhow, I decided that im done being angry with Korea. Im ready to quit half-drowning and just sink. Here I am ~ at a month and a half. There was no honey-moon stage on this one for me... but oh well ~ everything in its way. One of the steps I took as a physical representation of my acceptance of Korea in my life and as a part of my road to wherever the heck it is im going ~ I added the Korean flag patch to my messenger bag. It is now sitting right across from the Chinese flag on the opposite side ~ equally level. Now... to get into that language of theirs. I can feel things starting to click now too though. Its funny to me that the words that stick most easily for me after nouns are “measure words.” They were such a pain to learn originally in Chinese, but now that i’ve got the general conceptual category in my head... its pretty great because I know how they’re supposed to fit ~ and that gives me some serious adhesive to make them suckers stick. What a joy indeed. Verbs are still squirrely sons of ^*#$&’s but all things in good time. And on the road to making that happen, I get to concoct all sorts of wonderfully ridiculous associations for words. For example: Soy sauce is “kan dzang.” “dzang” means ‘sauce’ in both languages and in chinese “kan” means look... So to me its lookin’ sauce... which is obsurd because its pitch black... and not really transparent until its spilled all over a glass table.... but whatever. I remember it. Here I come! Hey... if the mafia tries to drown you in concrete... become a Golem (mythological stone giant... not the murdering ring snatching creature in LoTR) and smash faces.
Im lost again. Its my perpetual state. I guess its probably more accurate that I feel like im walking around in the densest of fogs and the it only disperses every once in a while so that I can see out and know that theres something aside from the grey-white blur that my life is spent in. I read through Ecclesiastes again of course I cant stop thinking about the idea of meaning and purpose. I’ve hit another fork in the road, and its a good and bad thing like everything else. But this one is sucking the colour out of my world at the moment. Heres an excerpt of an email I sent my sister: My issue right now though is that my head has gotten wrapped around my sense of meaning and worth and im starting to wonder if that sense of meaning that i've been looking for in what a person can do (the fruit they can bear as it were) doesn't exist. Im worried that the answer to my question is going to be that our actions are more or less meaningless aside from the meaning that other people give it. And I hate that thought. Hate it or not though, that doesn’t rule out any potential truth. For so long i’ve pursued abstract fulfillment (doing something that has meaning by the doing of it, not by whether or not someone else gives it value). People dont have the capacity to appreciate everything, and a large portion of the population is either too stupid or hateful to appreciate it even if they could. I love people, and I love the capacity to grow and become something more that people have. But you cant always help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. And what happens when you go a step further, and the people who are responsible for taking care of people don’t do their job? What happens when those in a position of influence and authority exchange their PURPOSE for whatever happens to make themselves feel good. And just one more step ~ when people start demanding that those who are supposed to seek their betterment (authorities etc.) tell them the lies that make them feel their world is “as it should be.” It makes me want to withdraw from society and do nothing but cook and drink coffee till the end of my days. “There is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they life. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is the gift of God.” But its like the toil isnt worth toiling after. So if that is the case ~ then all that is left is to do something that one finds joy in. So why do we look down on the heroine addict? What right would society have to snub the high schooler or the twenty something (or even the thirty something) that hasn’t found their niche? --- I think the idea of “drive” and “purpose” in English is super combustive. So the following is how i’ve been thinking through this stage of my developmental process: The life of every non-gas fire is the same. It starts of with the ignition that brings it into life, burns through the fuel available to it, and then matures into coals and then passes away into ash. Now with coals, its fairly life or death. They burn towards the core of the fuel and then extinguish, or they become the ignition for more fuel. When the coals are in this stage, they are covered in ash and its hard to tell if they are revivable or not, and its only when you’re close to them that you can tell that the heat is still there. Much less obvious vitality than with flickering tongues of flame. I think that people can be very much like this. There is so much potential life and movement, but when the environment around us becomes less hospitable and the reason that drives us (fuel) starts to run out, we shut down and put distance between ourselves and that environment to help survive a little longer. And if fuel doesn’t come back to us ~ that part of us dies out. --- “I have been to at least six asian countries and met many Americans. You are my first American friend.” Words of a Mongolian man ~ collaborated with by a Russian man while at dinner. Our country is not small, nor is it short of people, but the impression we leave doesn’t seem to match the gravity and depth of the foot-print we leave on the world when we tread on it. It is ours to tread: but what happens when moles tire of tunnels and decide that its the lions turn to dwell in the dirt? I was called a citizen of the world today. I’m not an American evidently. My Chinese friends called me the International Emperor, which I frankly think is super cool, but citizen of the world has a certain inclusive quality that I really like. But what am I trying to say? My life is dedicated to the service of people. I want to understand and serve people. I want to give fully. It is worth it because I was given fully to, and that is something worth being a part of. Being the biggest stick, crushing rock and bone to be at the top of the pile is meaningless to me. Being a part of the biggest pile however, now thats an aim. Now metaphors aside ~ theres always going to be a scenario where something is better or stronger or blah blah blah, but I want to be a part of something bigger than myself. Its an American cliche to say such things, but frankly I see a lot of truth and real wealth in that. That doesn’t go to mean a nerd skulking around with the school bully just because its something bigger than himself. No ~ I think a better way to say it entirely would be: I want to be a part of something bigger than what I COULD be. And why shouldn’t I be a citizen of the world. To understand as many people as I can, and live to serve as impact-fully as I can. That would be something. I can be many things. Give me enough time and I could be come a doctor, ninja, or connoisseur of fine wines. But what I really want to be a part of is something bigger than what I can become. I want to be a part of something that wants my betterment more for me than I could ever want for myself. So maybe I’ll just go to culinary school and retire to vancouver and be the most ridiculous egg ever (white on the outside and yellow on the inside :D)