Crush....crush crush.

Seems i’ve got a little bit of insomnia ~ and I havent written for a while so here goes. ~ ~ I’ve been riding this totally glorious wave of synergy and euphoria. I’ve got 2 weeks left. I’m not worrying about exams, though I’ll take most of them (not that it actually matters because I boycotted the midterms and its therefore impossible for me to pass~). I’ve got a monster crush at the moment and i’m loving every minute of it. I haven’t actually told them yet ~ though I imagine its painfully obvious. I’m not even really sure what my “tells” are because until about last year... I didn’t really accept crushes as a reality and think I let them just float away on the river of my subconscious. I was/ am / ?? ~ I wanted to stay away from the relationship thing b/c my goals and dreams were what I wanted to put first, and im not willing to ask someone to play second fiddle to my aspirations. Its not what im about. So I basically resolved to not be involved until I got to a point where I felt I could... well I dont think I ever actually had a line to cross where I would definitively feel ok with “being with” someone. But a few instrumental things have happened. Lie ~ many things have happened from A to B. My goals and ideas of achieving something meaningful in life have been shaken for starters ~ and that has led to a developing acceptance of finding and spreading love and joy to as many as possible. So instead of having someone play second fiddle to my aspirations, maybe someone could come alongside and achieve the same ultimate goal. Its a pretty simple aspiration when it comes down to it. The trick is in the details : / ~ So i’ve not told this person b/c I havent made up my mind if thats juvenile or not and I wanted to express my thoughts to the worldwide web before doing anything else. Is this the modern age’s equivalent of proclaiming one’s obsessions from the rooftops. I have a hard time getting to sleep sometimes (that wasn’t tonight though-) b/c I start thinking about what that life might be like and I feel like I might be glowing like Clair Danes in “Stardust.” And the practical side of me says that its doomed from the start. Im leaving in about 2 weeks. They’ll go back to where they’re from and live a normal life with the normal monotony and out-of-left-field surprises that everyone can and cannot expect. Oh indeed~ but anyway, on to more of the recent past and near future. Blessed. Thats what i’d call the past two weeks (minus this heinous cold I caught). I’ve learned new card games and spent enormous amounts of time with incredible friends. Its not everyone that can spend like 4 days straight with other people and still have volumes to talk about and be completely content with doing little else but talking, eating and drinking with those people. And i’ve got like 4 of those at the moment. Thats biblical grade awesome right there I tell you. And so im basically just interested in basking in that awesome. And maybe learning Russian and Cantonese...

A Wave Blown by the Wind

OHHHHH I dunno man. I’m so lazy these days. I dont wanna do something... and you know what: I don’t. So there. I want an apple ~ imma get that apple... unless they don’t sell any apples... then i’ll just forget about it for a while. BUT! when it comes to skipping class, I got some real constitution! Yessir and or madam. I can not go to class with the best of them these days. Anyhow~ I’m bored with that line of thought so lets move on. I dont like being lazy. I frankly think its a second rate existence, and i’d like to go after something worth having. I’ve become obsessed with a chinese word recently (sometime within the past 24 hours): which literally means “eat.bitter” 吃苦 (chi1 ku3) ~ what it actually means is basically “suck it up” and deal with the shit life gives you. Particularly patient and tolerant folk are said to really be able to eat bitter...ness. The question i’ve been asking for the past several months is “Why on earth would you want to do that?” with a little Xtra... “thats nonsense” thrown in after the rhetorical question. The past few days especially its started to kick in that... the 苦 (bitterness) is always going to be there, so if you’re going to have it in your life... you might as well have a good reason to eat it. --- Yesterday this idea of being a wave tossed by the sea popped back into my head. Its a reference from James (to be quoted below in just a hott second.) From my perspective, to always be running from the 苦(ku3) in life means that your being lead by your circumstances. When we do this ~ we’re letting our environment define us. Because if your not willing to 吃苦 to get through this pile of unpleasant to get to the other side ~ you never actually “get” that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (yes I know that metaphor is as tangled as christmas lights in the hands of a three year old...). In that kind of life ~ your always running “from” something, never “to” something. Feel the mighty power of prepositions! So here we go ~ James 1:2-8 Consider it pure Joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, (3) because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. (4) perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (5) If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (6) But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (7) That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; (8)he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. and that I am ~ TOTALLY unstable. Funnily enough, as I was in the “falling out stage” with my previous boss ~ she told me I was completely unstable. Granted she said it in Chinese and was trying to use that as ammunition to get me to stay and be her evil little henchman... which im not so much about. -- My limited experience has shown me that there are basically 3 reactions to the idea of perseverance stated above. I’ve said it before, but a lot of conservative ~ particularly Christian....~ people push the idea that if you just “suck it up... and tough it out” you’ll get what you want. But if you dont know what you want... how can you get it? Am I supposed to want what you want? where’s this conversation going? Another is being convinced of your goal, and going through fire and water (or not) to get it. And the third is to be of the opinion that nothing is worth having... so we should just forget it all anyway. ... Theres a lot that isn’t worth having frankly. A lot of things that, from their own nature, aren’t worth going through fire and water to get to. Why burn yourself trying to get burn cream? Counter-productive much? And as with most things i’ve found that anything worth having usually is at the core of the thing you see, and that core is what grows and motivates and builds what we see. Like money... a lot of people see what money can provide them, and so they go after it. They know that the money is where the rest of the fun starts ~ so they go chasing after it. But when they get the money... do they have time and zeal left to enjoy what the money can do? (so I ask myself if its worth it...) In my experience, people are worth investing in. Money is only worth anything if it enhances the lives of the people it comes in contact with. -- So where I am at this point is: the kind of wisdom I need is