Thursday, May 31, 2012

Crush....crush crush.

Seems i’ve got a little bit of insomnia ~ and I havent written for a while so here goes. ~ ~ I’ve been riding this totally glorious wave of synergy and euphoria. I’ve got 2 weeks left. I’m not worrying about exams, though I’ll take most of them (not that it actually matters because I boycotted the midterms and its therefore impossible for me to pass~). I’ve got a monster crush at the moment and i’m loving every minute of it. I haven’t actually told them yet ~ though I imagine its painfully obvious. I’m not even really sure what my “tells” are because until about last year... I didn’t really accept crushes as a reality and think I let them just float away on the river of my subconscious. I was/ am / ?? ~ I wanted to stay away from the relationship thing b/c my goals and dreams were what I wanted to put first, and im not willing to ask someone to play second fiddle to my aspirations. Its not what im about. So I basically resolved to not be involved until I got to a point where I felt I could... well I dont think I ever actually had a line to cross where I would definitively feel ok with “being with” someone. But a few instrumental things have happened. Lie ~ many things have happened from A to B. My goals and ideas of achieving something meaningful in life have been shaken for starters ~ and that has led to a developing acceptance of finding and spreading love and joy to as many as possible. So instead of having someone play second fiddle to my aspirations, maybe someone could come alongside and achieve the same ultimate goal. Its a pretty simple aspiration when it comes down to it. The trick is in the details : / ~ So i’ve not told this person b/c I havent made up my mind if thats juvenile or not and I wanted to express my thoughts to the worldwide web before doing anything else. Is this the modern age’s equivalent of proclaiming one’s obsessions from the rooftops. I have a hard time getting to sleep sometimes (that wasn’t tonight though-) b/c I start thinking about what that life might be like and I feel like I might be glowing like Clair Danes in “Stardust.” And the practical side of me says that its doomed from the start. Im leaving in about 2 weeks. They’ll go back to where they’re from and live a normal life with the normal monotony and out-of-left-field surprises that everyone can and cannot expect. Oh indeed~ but anyway, on to more of the recent past and near future. Blessed. Thats what i’d call the past two weeks (minus this heinous cold I caught). I’ve learned new card games and spent enormous amounts of time with incredible friends. Its not everyone that can spend like 4 days straight with other people and still have volumes to talk about and be completely content with doing little else but talking, eating and drinking with those people. And i’ve got like 4 of those at the moment. Thats biblical grade awesome right there I tell you. And so im basically just interested in basking in that awesome. And maybe learning Russian and Cantonese...

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